Close Enough to Touch
by too many stars to count
Summary: Mae is good at holding a grudge. So why can't she stay mad at Alan?. Alan/Mae, Jamie/Seb. Written before the release of Surrender.


**A/N:** As mentioned in the summary this fic is only canon-compliant through the end of _Covenant_. This was written in May before _Su__rrender_ was released and therefore I had only my guesses about the next book to go on. I hope you enjoy and please take time to leave a review!

Close Enough to Touch

Mae was good at being mad. She knew how to hold a grudge with the best of them. She hadn't spoken to Jamie for an entire week once when they were children after he had dropped and broken the fairy statue their father had given her. And that had been_ Jamie_.

Mae was good at being mad so it made no sense that she couldn't stay mad at Alan. He had lied to her, which Mae couldn't stand. Maybe, before, she could have let it slide, because it was Alan. The boy who thought love and lies had to be intertwined and for him always had been.

But Mae had proven herself over and over to him. And he still hadn't trusted her.

In the days after her mother's death however she'd found herself unable to stay angry. Mae found this frustrating because with no Jamie to be strong for it would be dangerously easy to let herself fall apart.

Being angry at Alan had been a focusing point. The anger made everything sharp and clear. It had formed a break wall between Mae and her grief allowing only small, ignorable, pieces of it through.

The more days that passed though the harder it became to stay angry. Mae would try to work herself into a rage only to think of what she would do, what she had done, to protect Jamie. She stopped trying after she'd come over bawling and inconsolable the last time. She was in the running for leader of the Goblin Market and she couldn't afford to be seen crying.

No, Mae couldn't be angry with Alan. Only disappointed. And then one day that was out of her reach too.

o0o

It had been a fairly normal day for Mae.

Her Aunt had been her mother's sister and as such refused to talk to Mae's father. This had made it ridiculously easy to convince her that Jamie was with their father for the summer, wanting to get away from Exter after their mother's death.

Mae's cousins were all grown and divorce seemed to run in her mother's side of the family so it was just the two of them in the house. Mae's Aunt wasn't career focused like her mother had been but she kept just as busy.

This made it easy for Mae to spend most of her time at the Ryves' house, leaving vague notes on the counter for her Aunt to find. As long as she didn't get brought home by the police it wasn't a problem.

She was sitting on the front porch while Alan translated a tablet. It was his day off from the bookstore and now that Mae had given up trying to stay angry with him they had managed to work their way back to something like friendship.

Suddenly, in the middle of muttering translations to himself, Alan gasped and set the tablet down carefully. Before Mae could even begin to ask what was wrong he spoke, "Mae," the hitch in his voice told her he was in pain. "Where's Nick?"

"At the garage. They called and asked if he wanted to pick up a shift." She was sure she had told Alan that after she'd passed Nick on his way out.

"Would you please bring the tablet inside?" Alan clenched his teeth and pulled himself up using the porch rail for support. He followed Mae inside slowly.

She had just shut the door when Alan collapsed. "Alan!" Mae cried, hastily setting the tablet on the table.

Alan didn't answer. He made a low sound in the back of his throat and Mae almost panicked when she saw tears gathering in his eyes.

"Alan," she said again, much more softly, as she moved to sit on the ground next to him. "I'm – I'm right here, Alan." Mae told him unsure if he could even understand her. Mae ran her hand through his hair desperately wishing Jamie was there. He was much better at comforting people than she was.

He continued to make those awful guttural sounds as Mae stroked his hair. Alan cried out making her feel more useless, and more worried by the moment. Finally she did the only thing she could think of.

Mae laid on the ground next to him, almost close enough to reach out and touch him. With an obvious effort Alan turned his head to look at her. "I'm right here." She told him again. Alan gave a hoarse cry and Mae moved closer grabbing his hands. Alan squeezed hers back, tears starting to trail down his face.

It felt like hours laying there until Alan's muscles finally relaxed. She knew asking if he was okay was pointless so instead she asked, "Gerald?" Alan nodded. "Let me get you some water." She said consumed by the need to do _something_.

By the time Mae came back with the glass Alan had pulled himself into a sitting position. "Does this happen often?" Mae asked sitting on the ground next to him and offering the water. His glasses lay abandoned by the table. He looked so much younger without them.

Alan drained the glass before answering. "A few times a week." He said trying to sound casual. "Gerald likes to keep me on my toes so to speak." He gave her a weak smile.

"Does Nick know?" Mae pressed.

"I can't exactly hide it form him at night. He sleeps down the hall after all."

"Alan," Mae started.

"I'm fine, Mae." Alan said scooping his glasses up and pulling himself up with a chair. "Thank you for staying with me." He gave her a polite smile that Mae had come to learn meant she was being lied to.

"Don't." She said standing up angrily. Alan looked surprised for a minute before smoothing his face into a look of polite puzzlement.

"Mae?"

"Don't lie to me, Alan. Damnit this is the same problem we had before. _Trust_ me!" She said furiously.

Alan gave a dry laugh. "Trust you? Mae, I can't even remember the last time I trusted a person." Mae thought back to Daniel's diary, to the entry where he had tried to kill a sleeping Nick. Mae was caught thinking it may have been the last time Alan had trusted someone. She ran a hand through her hair suddenly exhausted.

"Let me teach you." She offered after a moment holding her hand out.

Alan stared at her hand like it was a snake rearing back it's head to bite. "Mae, I don't think - "

"Take my hand." Mae ordered. Hesitantly Alan did so. She felt the mark, raised slightly on his palm. "I could love you one day," Mae told him watching as Alan's eyes grew wide. "But I can't love lies." Alan tried to pull his hand away but Mae held fast.

"Everyday I want you to tell me one true thing about yourself. And I'll tell you one true thing about me. I don't expect you to stop lying in a day Alan. I don't even expect that you'll stop lying entirely. But one day you will trust me. And when you do, you'll tell me the truth."

"One true thing?" Alan asked in a shaky voice.

"One true thing." Mae confirmed. "Start simple." She said as Alan faltered.

"My favorite color is dark blue."

o0o

"I played football for 10 years." Alan said pulling books out of boxes and piling them onto the shelf. Mae had come to say hello to Alan and find a book the library didn't have. After she bought the book, reading at the bookstore seemed just as logical to her as reading at her Aunt's house. Reading had somehow turned into talking to Alan, and then helping him stock books.

"10 years?" Mae said checking the titles in her box – the literature and cooking books had somehow gotten mixed together. "You must have been playing since you could walk!" Mae has never enjoyed sports and luckily both of her parents gave up on hoping for athletic children after the divorce.

"I was." Alan told her with a shy smile. "We always moved to a town with a football league I could play in. Dad would bring Nick to watch my games." He looked a little sad and wistful so Mae purposefully knocked into his shoulder as she shelved more books and gave him a deliberate smile when he glanced at her. Alan looked surprised but returned the smile all the same.

"I knocked all four of my front teeth out at recess when I was eight." Mae said giving his hand a quick squeeze.

o0o

"I'm scared that sometimes Jamie will forget me and stay with the Circle." Mae confessed leaning her head on Alan's shoulder. Mae always tried to make sure she and Alan were touching when they did this, hoping he'd being to associate touch and trust. He ran his hand comfortingly through her hair.

"I worry," Alan said after a pause, tightening his arm around Mae, "That the problem isn't that Nick can't love, but rather that he just doesn't love me." He finished quietly.

"Alan!" Mae protested softly sitting up. In the month they'd been playing their game this was the most serious thing Alan had told her yet. "Can't you see?" Alan stared at her. "Nick does love you.

"Nick!" She called sitting up. He came into the room silent as ever and the mark on her collarbone thrummed in response. Ignoring it Mae asked, "Would you let someone kill you, if it was the only way to save Alan?" The key, Mae had learned, was to be specific.

"Yes." He said warily as if he thought this was a test. It was. He was getting better at being human all the time. "Do I need to kill someone?" Nick's eyes flickered around the room with interest.

"No," Mae said impatiently. "What about me or Jamie? Would you die to save one of us?"

This time Nick thought about it. "Do you have a knife on you?" He asked. Surprised Mae nodded beginning to reach for the knife at the small of her back. "Yes then." Nick told her after another moment of thought. "You," he struggled for the words. "If you were dead – I'd rather you were alive." He said finally.

He glanced at Alan hopefully and when Mae turned to look over at him she was grinning. Alan pulled himself up and grasped the back of Nick's neck for just a moment before heading into the kitchen calling back something about lemonade.

"See, Nick?" Mae said stretching out on the couch. "You figured out how to act human all on your own."

Nick stared at her for a moment looking pleased with himself. "I"m going to sharpen my sword." He said finally and left.

o0o

"My dad was the one who taught me to play guitar." Alan said holding Mae's hand. She smiled reassuringly.

"My mother tried to teach me to play tennis." Alan raised an eyebrow. "I broke the music room window by accident and she decided it was a lost cause." Mae smiled around the lump in her throat but Alan seemed to know. Hesitantly he pulled her to his side and Mae buried her face in his shirt hiding her tears.

o0o

"I want to ask you a question." Alan looked up from the french toast he'd been making and stared at Mae, perplexed. She swallowed before adding, "And I want the truth."

"Okay." Alan agreed tightly, flipping his breakfast onto a plate. He made no move to eat it. Instead he leaned against the counter watching her, a wary look in his eyes.

"Do you trust me? At all?" Mae let her eyes flicker down for just a second before looking back at him.

"I think so." Alan said helplessly.

"What's your plan?" Mae asked, desperately pushing back the image of Jamie walking away into the sunrise. Alone. "I know you must have one, whatever you told Nick."

Alan gripped the counter. "I'm going to send Nick to Jamie." He said after a minute. "Jamie's been leading them to believe he has control over Nick. Nick's been letting him leach some of his power.

"Mae, have you talked to Jamie lately?" Mae nodded mutely. Jamie called her a few times a week to let her know he was okay. "Did you know magicians think that lightly eyes are lucky?" Alan asked her.

"No?" Mae felt this was a rather abrupt change of topic, especially considering that Jamie had brown eyes.

"There's a legend," Alan said slowly. "That when magician's first started calling demons to our world, the demon's weren't very good at controlling how much magic they gave up. They _say,_ though finding actual records is hard, that magicians would get so much power their eyes would turn completely silver. Ever since then light eyes have been lucky. It meant a demon had filled him or her with power."

"They'll kill him!" Mae broke in furiously, "They'll think he's a threat and they'll _kill him_."

"No!" Alan shook his head quickly, reaching out to Mae. She swallowed some of her rage and took his hand. "He's done a terrific job, Mae. He went to Gerald after he left, acting like he was at a complete lost, saying that you blamed him for your mother's death." Mae swallowed sharply blinking back tears as Alan squeezed her hand. She knew it wasn't real, what Jamie had said, but still, it hurt to hear. She couldn't imagine what it had felt like to say.

"He's got them convinced he's only loyal to Gerald. They won't kill him because everyone in the Circle, including Celeste, will want to see if it's worth getting themselves possessed. And all the while Jamie is quietly getting more and more powerful."

"But, Nick," Mae said trying to find the right words. She was so often so bad about picking her words carefully, and she knew she must find the correct words right now. "They won't be _nice_ to him, Alan. Jamie – Jamie may have to hurt him to show the Circle he's in control, not Nick." Mae was having trouble picturing Jamie hurt a fly, let alone Nick, but she knew it was a possibility.

"I know." Alan said looking heartbroken. Mae pulled him into a hug. "But I've looked at it from all possible angels," he said into her hair. "This is the only course of action that doesn't end up with at least one of you dead. I'd like to see you all through this if possible."

"And what about you?" Mae asked pulling back. "Does this plan involve you living?"

He tightened his grip on her. "As long as Gerald doesn't kill me once he figures out what's going on, yes. I don't want Nick to get hurt and if there was anyway to keep him safe I'd do it," Alan told her in a pleading voice. "But there isn't."

"We'll get through this," Mae promised knowing it didn't mean anything, not really.

o0o

"I used to sleep with a stuffed giraffe named Hermes." Alan told her setting her plate on the table while Mae got them both drinks.

Nick had been gone for two months now, and they were starting to get used to having both of their brother's gone. Mae had started her final year of school, unbearably lonely-feeling without her brother, and was practically living at the Ryves' house. They were trying to help each other cope as best they could.

"What happened to him?" She asked sitting down at the table where a plate full of tortellini awaited her. Thank God Alan could cook or they'd have been living off of pizza and Chinese take out. She took another bite of the delicious pasta.

"I gave him to Toby a few years ago," Alan said shrugging his shoulders in a way that made think it had been soon after Sin's mother had died.

Mae took another bite of dinner and steeled her nerves as Alan waited patiently for her to offer up a fact about herself. She waited for him to stop eating for a minute. When he did Mae caught his eye and he smiled at her.

It was that smile, happy and loving and most importantly _open_ that gave her the courage to smile back and say, "I love you."

Alan's eyes went wide as his face took on a look of almost painful wonder. He looked as if he had believed no one would ever say those words to him again. Mae's heart nearly broke as she realized he probably hadn't expected to hear them.

"Alan," she said in a pleading tone. Mae snapped her mouth shut when she realized she had no idea what she was pleading _for_.

He braced his hands on the table pushing himself up. Mae stayed seated as he came towards her, terrified that she had somehow ruined things. She forced herself to meet his eyes though. Mae had meant what she said and she was going to stand by it.

"You're sure?" He asked in a trembling voice. "I don't want you to feel as if you owe anything to me Mae – you don't. I'll understand if you don't feel the way I do. Being your friend is more than enough." Alan lied to her. It was no where near as convincing as it had once been.

Mae stood now, lacing her fingers with Alan's and felt the ever-present mark on his palm against her hand. "Now, what did I tell you about lying to me?" She teased before capturing his lips in a kiss.

It felt so _good_. Everything from the way his breath hitched when she bit at is bottom lip to the slight pull of his hands as they tunneled in her hair; it all set her body on fire. It struck Mae just how much she had wanted this, how much she had been holding back until she was perfectly sure Alan wouldn't just let her go again.

"Convinced" She asked when they finally broke apart.

Mae almost laughed out of complete and utter joy when Alan smiled shyly and said "I could used a bit more convincing." Instead she just kissed him.

o0o

Almost a year later and they were alive. It was over and they were somehow all still alive and Alan was finally free. Gerald's body lay on the ground and Mae watched as the mark on Alan's palm slowly dripped off, looking like a puddle of glistening oil in the setting sun. Mae took a shaky breath, the weight on her chest that she had begun to think was a permanent part of her, gone.

Jamie had his arms around Seb, whispering gently in his ear at the other boy cried. Mae wasn't sure she would ever get used to the look on his face, like he wanted to protect Seb from the world. Mae desperately wanted to hug Jamie but she couldn't bring herself to tear Seb away from him. Besides, she had a lifetime left to hug him now.

Alan stood next to Nick, his bow forgotten on the ground. One of his hands was firmly on Nick's shoulder. He was talking in a low, worried voice – Nick looked ready to pass out – but Mae could tell he was happy Nick didn't seem to mind his touch. In fact, assuming she wasn't delirious with exhaustion – a very real possibility considering she'd been up for somewhere around 30 hours straight – Mae would swear Nick was leaning into the touch.

Mae turned to Sin, expecting to see her helping Merris organize the clean up. Instead Sin was sitting on the ground her swirl of skirts hiked up to her thighs. A long cut spanning the length of her lower leg dripped blood onto the pavement. No one should look that good covered in blood. It wasn't fair.

"Are you okay?" Mae asked pushing down her jealousy and running over to her friend. She spotted a first aid kit lying near by. Sin shook her head, hair flying and lips pressed tightly together. Mae followed her gaze and bit back a cry of surprise.

Matthias was lying on the ground, a red stain at the side of his head spreading like a halo beneath him. Mae didn't understand. He had been alive after the battle. He had offered to start organizing people into teams for the clean up.

"What happened?" Mae asked pulling a bandage from the kit.

She bowed her head over Sin's leg as the other girl bit out "Liannan." Sin took a deep breath and went on." Liannan ran off with Merris' body and Matthias forgot himself. I tried to stop him and she got me too. What does she care after all."

"Sin," Mae taped the bandage in place. "I saw Trish over by the wagons with the kids. Why don't you go get them? I'm sure they're scared." Sin started to protest. "Go." Mae said firmly. "There will still be plenty to do in the morning."

Wordlessly Sin nodded. She stood, even injured, with a grace Mae envied. Sin surprised Mae by pulling her into a swift hug before leaving in search of her siblings.

Mae turned around and found to her surprise that half the Market was staring at her. She took a deep breath and turned to Carl, the sword-maker. "Will you please move all of the bodies over to the wall the archers were defending?" He nodded signaling at people in the crowd to help him. "Move the magicians as well," she added spotting Gerald's body. "We'll sort out who's who later." He hesitated before grunting a "Yes."

"Who here can heal?" Mae called looking at the rest of the people gathered before her. A man and woman who looked like they could be related raised their hands. "Right. We have at least 10 people back by the wagons who need to be looked at. Take people with you if you need." They each selected one person, neither of whom looked surprised, and hurried away.

"Where are the rest of the archers?" Mae asked scanning the group of 30 or so people left before her. Half of them raised their hands. "You're on patrol then. Set up a shift to get us through the night. Were any of you injured?"

"Peter and Rebecca are by the wagons." A tall girl, Jessica Mae thought, said gripping her bow. "We've got enough people." She surveyed the archers. "We can put them onto the third shift if they want." She and Mae nodded at each other and Jessica led the archers away, calling out shifts as they walked.

"What about the rest of us?" A man, Mae thought he was the charm seller's husband, asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Sleep." Mae said shortly. "We'll start the clean up tomorrow. For now, just go be with your families and rest. We'll start tomorrow after lunch."

"And if we need you?" A woman with a baby on her hip asked expectantly.

"I'll be right there." Mae said pointing towards the tent Nick had set up earlier. She resisted the urge to yawn as she waited for more questions. The sun had just set but Mae was exhausted. No one seemed to have anything else to ask so she muttered a "goodnight" and turned away towards the tent.

Jamie crawled out of the tent just as Mae reached it. Before he could so much as open his mouth Mae had him in a tight hug. "I love you," she said into his hair. "I love you so much Jamie, and you are never allowed to get into so much danger again."

"You know me, Mae." Jamie said in a deceptively light voice hugging her back. "I would gladly spend the rest of my life doing dramatic readings for Nick and paying our monkey – what was his name?"

"Alfonso." Mae's heart tugged a bit at the memory of their mother.

"Right. Alfonso. Paying Alfonso to cook for us."

"And letting Seb draw you?" Mae teased pulling back a little.

"Well," Jamie said turning bright red and shooting a glance towards the tent where Mae guessed Seb was sleeping. "Perhaps. I would be quite an interesting subject to draw." He said brightening.

"Interesting isn't always good." Nick drawled, his stride shortened to keep pace with Alan. As always Mae's mark tried to pull her to Nick but her eyes sought only Alan. "For instance," Nick continued as Alan shot her a tired smile. "Your cooking could be described as interesting. It'll still probably put you in the hospital." Mae laughed as Jamie sputtered and watched Nick grin. He took a deep breath, but kept the grin, as Alan touched his head briefly.

"There's another tent," Nick said looking at them. "I'll set it up and then – " Nick stopped clearly unsure of what he should do once the tent was up.

"You can come sleep in the tent with me and Seb." Jamie offered quickly. Nick raised an eyebrow suggestively and Mae watched, amused, as Jamie turned red. "Demons," he muttered. "You all have dirty minds."

"Yes, well, how could we ever resist your charms?" Nick said dryly starting to sort tent poles out. Mae and Jamie watched mystified. "McFarlane – Seb," He corrected himself. "Still makes me – uneasy." Nick finished struggling for words.

"He's _different_." Jamie insisted fiercely.

Mae put her arm around his shoulders and squeezed as Alan said, "It will take a while, Jamie. We're happy for you and Seb." Jamie looked at Nick who gave an odd sort of head jerk before laying out a piece of canvas. Mae had no idea how it would become a tent. Jamie looked equal parts touched by Nick's little head nod, and confused by the tent.

They watched Nick set up the tent undisturbed. Mae was relieved. She would have done anything the Market needed her to, but Mae felt ready to break apart at any moment. The quiet of just being with the people who had become family to her and Jamie was welcome.

"Done." Nick said eventually, standing up.

Jamie still looked confused. "Demon magic?" He ventured after a moment.

"Camping." Nick said in a dry voice.

It was fully dark out now. Mae pulled her phone out of her pocket. It was nearly 10. "I'm going to bed." She announced shoving her phone back into her pocket. "Wake me up for lunch." She gave Jamie's hand one last squeeze and crawled inside the newly erected tent.

Mae wasn't surprised when Alan crawled in after her, gasping a little as he carefully straightened his leg out. "Matthias is dead," she said numbly. "I forgot to tell you outside. He got in Liannan's way and – they put him with the rest." Alan watched her in silence. "I'll have to see if there's some sort of burial process the Market uses. We should do something for the magicians as well."

"We can say a few words before putting the magician's in running water." Alan said soothingly. "For the Market people there's a small ceremony and then the choice between water and the House of Mezentius."

"Sin will be able to tell me in the morning and then – "

"Mae." She stopped. Alan didn't say anything else, he simply held out his hand. Mae took it and gasped softly. She knew the mark was gone, had _watched_ it slide off his hand, but she'd grown so used to feeling it that the absence shocked her.

Before Mae had time to think she threw herself at Alan kissing him hard. He kissed back and something deep within Mae broke. It was actually _over_ and Alan was here beside her safer than he'd been in almost his entire life.

"I love you." Alan told her as they broke apart.

"I love you too." Mae said watching Alan's face light up. The amount of trust and love he had given her still scared Mae sometimes but she wouldn't trade it for anything.

They laid down and Mae, used to minding Alan's leg by now, put her hand on his hip pulling him closer. Soon they were tangled together, one of her legs slipped between his, Alan's hand on the small of her back to keep her close.

"I was so scared something was going to happen to you today," Mae confessed burying her head in Alan's neck. "I don't think I'd've been able to stay strong for Nick and Jamie if you had died today." She blinked back tears furiously. Alan was _fine_. There was nothing to cry about.

"You were amazing." Alan told her softly. "Merris would be a fool to pick Sin over you. I saw you today, so passionate, so ready to do whatever was necessary, and I realized how perfectly in love with you I was." Alan sounded dangerously close to tears himself and Mae clung to him in silent reassurance. "I'm not going anywhere." He promised after a few moments.

"Good," Mae grumbled, framing his face with one of her hands. "I didn't do all of this for you to wander off. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a guy who's read _Hamlet_ more than four times."

"Seven and counting." Alan said loftily.

Mae chuckled and settled against him.

Tomorrow would be a long day, in what Mae was sure would be a long week. And though she had two knives on her – it never paid to take chances and Nick would kill her himself if he found her unarmed - Mae settled for sleep for the first time in nearly three years unafraid of what tomorrow would bring.

People were dead, some by Mae's own hand. And she'd never forget the feel of their blood on her hands or the looks on their faces as the life slipped out of them. But there would be time for guilt and mourning later. Mae had earned this rest, and this calm, and this, her own happy forever ever after nestled in Alan's arms with her brother and Nick alive, and safe, and all of them, close enough to touch.


End file.
